Dear Lai Ma on National Service

This article was first blogged on January 5th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

Ever since the 5Star(the peeper's paper) became the most respected newspaper in Malaysia, there has been the inevitable comparison with the Star(the people's paper). But honestly, dear readers, there is no comparison. We are a 5 star paper and they are a one star paper, as the names imply. The "Dear Lai Ma" column of the 5Star is not, I repeat, is not a copycat version of the "Dear Thelma" column of the Star. In some ways both columns are similar in the look and feel. The huge difference is; we serve up pure unadulterated street smart bullshit without pretensions, whereas our competition try to pass off worthless crap as advice. That's why we are a 5 star paper, see? And we publish for free too!

The "Dear Lai Ma" column this week deals with questions concerning the National Service. Ms Lai Ma, a former karaoke lounge singer, now our 5Star columnist, will offer you expert street smart advice on any concerns you may have on the NS.

5Star

Dear Lai Ma
I come from a small kampung of only 20 people. I have never been out of my kampung and am not wise in the ways of the world. As I shall be attending the National Service soon with a lot of city strangers, is there anything important that I should be aware of ?
Katak bin Tempurong

Dear Katak,
Amboi.....never been out of your kampung? Why so teruk? People from the city are not the same as kampung people. They sometimes do a lot of nonsense. When you join the NS, please remember this piece of advice; should you drop the soap while bathing in camp, don't ever bend down to pick it up.


Dear Lai Ma
I have a son who is going for NS soon. He has led a very sheltered life and has never been anywhere without me. Everywhere he goes, I follow, and I control all his activities. But I am told that I cannot follow him into NS camp. I want to make sure his needs are met. What should I pack that would be most useful for him?
Tai Ma Mee

Dear Ma Mee,
Aiyah.....you cannot keep following your son everywhere! He is grown-up already and should do things by himself. Mou kau chor.....you want him to become pondan isit? The minute he is in NS camp and no more under your control, he will go wild. This is for sure, as he is tasting freedom for the first time. Be a good mother.....pack a few boxes of condoms for him. That will be most useful in case he gets lucky.


Dear Lai Ma
I have just got out of prison after serving 10 years for rioting and gangland activities. I want to turn over a new leaf and serve society. So I hope to become a volunteer instructor for NS. However, I am afraid that I will get rejected because of my background. What do you suggest?
Chow Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng
It is good that you want to turn over a new leaf. New leaf always better than old leaf. If you want to become a volunteer instructor, you must conduct yourself well during the interview. When I want to impress the interviewer, I usually wear a tight miniskirt, and no bra. But I do not think this will work for you. Never mind lah. When you are at the interview, don't say that your past was connected with rioting.....just say that you have first-hand experience in hostile situations. And don't say that you were involved in gangland activities...just say that you have been active in, uh, team events. Also don't say that you have been under the eye of prison wardens for the past ten years....just say that for the past years you have been in daily contact with important government officials. I wish you the best of luck in the interview.


Dear Lai Ma
I don't want to go for NS but I am selected to go. So suay.....for three months cannot see my girlfriends. Buay tahan laaahhh. I know that students studying in private colleges with semesters that overlapped with NS training period are allowed to defer their participation in the NS. And I prefer to defer. But I did very badly during my SPM and cannot pass a single subject. I only handed in blank paper. My forecast result from the school also forecasted that I fail all subjects(I also handed in blank paper for school exams....coincidence lah). I looked at 20 private colleges already to look for courses that will allow me to defer the NS. But they don't want to take students who fail everything in SPM school forecast results. They want so many subject credits. Why the world so fucked up? What should I do?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
The world is fucked up because people like you fucked it up. Na beh...SPM so fucking easy and you cannot pass even one paper! Buay pai seh ah? During my time, hor, I also can pass two papers. Obviously you did not study hard and now you want to waste your parents' money by going to private college. Some more dare to ask for my advice. Ni nao hiah. I ought to come over and whack your fucking head. But my talkcock editor said that you asked a logictimate question and I must give you a logictimate answer. So okay lah....this is what you have to do. There is one private institute, the Lame Cock Wank institute, that conducts a diploma course without requiring any passes or credits. As long as you have two energetic hands, you can apply. The course is called the Diploma in One Handed Surfing for Mature Adults. Acherly, hor, it is what you do with the other hand that is more important. Even a fucking moron like you should be able to pass this diploma. The semester sessions overlap with NS training period, so you can apply for NS deferment. Work that thing hard and don't you dare flunk this course. Otherwise I'll come over and yank that fucking thing off.