Friday, December 09, 2005

Dear Lai Ma – How to predict a tsunami

I absolutely and resolutely refuse to live in fear of the tsunami. Sure, it can be badass dangerous, but so are roads. Every year, we have more than two hundred people dying on the roads in the balik kampung rush, but has that ever stop people from travelling home?

This month, despite the warning by famed Thai meteorologist, Dr Smith Dharmasaroja, that a tsunami is going to sweep down the straits of Melaka, I will be going to the seaside for a holiday. And I will be swimming nonchalantly in the sea! Semi-naked.

Look, fellas, nobody can predict with a certainty when a tsunami will happen. We can’t even be sure that it will occur within the next hundred years! If you are going to be so worried, then you may as well stop living and quit wasting precious oxygen for others. Even if a tsunami were to roll down from the expected quake epicenter of the Andaman and Nicobar islands, it will hit Phuket first and take hours to reach Pangkor or Melaka. By that time, the kind folks in Phuket would have given us enough warning to get out of the sea. It helps if you are staying at a big resort and they have people to do announcements to clear the beach. Find out first about their tsunami warning system.

If, however, you are staying at an el cheapo beach hut without phones and TV, then my friend, you will have to depend on other types of warning systems. My advice to you is to watch out for unusual behaviour of animals. Dogs are particularly good in sensing earthquakes.

Say that you got a problem and you don’t know shit about unusual animal behaviour.

Well, don’t worry, help is at hand!

The 5Star, being five times more knowledgeable in animal behaviour than our lousy dipshit one-star competitor, will attempt to answer your questions as to what constitutes tsunami-related behaviour in animals. Miss Lai Ma, formerly a karaoke lounge singer and currently our world-recognised animal behavioural expert, will helm the column.


Dear Lai Ma
If I see a dog up a coconut tree humping a coconut, is that a sign that a tsunami is approaching? Should I contact the Meteorological Department immediately?
Kua Bo

Dear Kua Bo
I don’t think that you can call it a sign that a tsunami is approaching. A dog cannot climb up a coconut tree. You should not contact the Meteorological Department, but instead, contact your optometrist immediately. What you saw was no dog but a horny monkey.

Dear Lai Ma
If my dog humps a chicken, would that be a sign that a tsunami is on the way? Do I contact the Meteorological Department immediately?
Dog owner

Dear Dog owner
The animal behaviour that you should be looking out for is that your dog may appear frightened, agitated, excited or disoriented before an earthquake. And it may howl for hours. Humping a chicken, although unusual, merely indicates that your dog’s hormones are rampaging loose in its furry little mind. Please do not contact the Meteorological Department. Instead, you should contact your veterinarian to make an appointment to get your dog neutered.

Dear Lai Ma
If I see a man humping a goat, would that constitute unusual animal behaviour? Should I check if the goat is frightened, agitated, excited or disoriented? And then do I report to the Meteorological Department?
Not a Clue

Dear Not a Clue
What you have described is gross indecent behaviour. No, I do not think that it is a sign that the tsunami is approaching. The correct department to report to, is not the Meteorological Department, but the R.S.P.C.A. If you have a camera with you, please take some pictures. I know of one inane blogger who is only too willing to post those pictures in his blog.

Dear Lai Ma
I think this tsunami thing is way overrated. The last time I experienced a tsunami, I found that it was a very raw and not to my liking. When I complained, the people laughed at me and displayed highly unusual animal behaviour. Why like that? Why the world so fucked up.
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu Lan
Na beh…..I refuse to answer any bo liao questions from bo liao people. But my talkcock editor said that we are a five star paper and we have a ruling that we do not discriminate against bo liao people. Kanineh. Don’t know what kind of stupid ruling is that. Okay, listen up. I advise you to contact the nearest Japanese school and enrol for language lessons. The word you should have used was “sashimi”, not “tsunami”. And another thing…..please don’t send me any more pictures of yourself in your underwear. Baka.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Dear Lai Ma - Advice on filter masks

This article was first blogged on August 13th 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

The serious haze problems have got a lot of people wearing filter masks like got no tomorrow. Everyday, the newspapers keep trying to give dubious advice on what to do and what not to do. But everybody knows that at the 5Star paper, we put out professionally proven scientific advice that is 5 times better than the dubious advice of our lousy one-star dipshit competitor.

And another thing……we are free of charge!

Miss Lai Ma, formerly a karaoke lounge singer and potential Malaysian Idol chief judge, will be giving her professional advice regarding the use of filter masks in this edition.


Dear Lai Ma
Our school teacher has asked us to put on filter masks. He said that the air got smog particles everywhere because of the haze. But we don’t want to wear. We think it is not necessary because we are only children. Got particles also never mind one. We got small lungs only mah. We don’t breathe in as much air as the adults.
Pupils of Sungei Lembu Primary School.

Dear Pupils
You cannot think like that one. Because you have small lungs, they will fill up with smog particles faster than adult lungs. Then your mother will have to take you to the hospital so that the nurse can remove the smog particles. That one very painful one. The nurses will poke a vacuum cleaner hose down your throat and into your lungs to suck out all the smog particles. Sometimes, when they are not careful, they suck out your liver also. So wear your filter masks and don’t play play.

Dear Lai Ma
I am the best English teacher at the Sungei Lembu Primary School. Because of the haze situation very bad, and some more cannot breathing easy, I want to wear a filter mask. But when I teach the English through the mask, my voice go out muffled and ruffled, like that. I am afraid all the pupils will not understand what I saying. Please advise me good good
Ingurish Tork

Dear Ingurish Tork
During the haze, it is important that you wear a filter mask and teach at the same time. Health is important. Don’t worry if the pupils do not understand you. Even if you take off the mask, they also will not understand you! If pupils can understand teachers, all the tuition centres will go bankrupt already. I have a share in a private tuition centre and therefore I must thank all the teachers. Please tell all your fellow teachers to keep the mask on at all times. You are all very important to the economy!

Dear Lai Ma
I smoke three packets of cigarettes a day. I have been trying to quit smoking without success. I follow the dubious advice given in the other newspapers, and they say to do this and to do that, but in the end their advice also useless. Lately, because of the haze, whenever my colleagues see me smoking, they scold me. As if the haze is my fault like that. I si beh fedup already…want to stop smoking, but cannot…..smoke, also cannot. Please tell me what to do.

Dear Desperate
You are very wise in writing to me. If you want to stop smoking, this is what you should do. Wear a filter mask at all times. When you feel like having a smoke, remove your filter mask and inhale the smog. Then put your filter mask back on again. Your brain will think that you just smoked a cigarette. If you do this often enough, your brain will think you have smoked a few packets of cigarettes but actually you have not smoked. Do this every day and soon your body will lose the addiction to cigarettes. Wa lau eh. I should copyright this method!

Dear Lai Ma
I study at a private college. My Principal say that I should wear a filter mask in the campus everyday to improve the health condition. But I don’t want to wear a mask everyday. It does not make me look cool. I pay so much tuition fees to private education and I expect them to keep the haze away from me. I think you should investigate the college. They take my money already and some more dare to ask me to wear mask. Why like that? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu Lan
Actually, hor, I have no interest in investigating your problem. I am a columnist, not an investigative reporter. But my talkcock editor said that all 5Star columnists are also investigative columnists. Where got such thing one? But okay, I did some checking for you and I found out that there were a few cases of girls vomiting mysteriously on your campus. But each time you put on the filter mask, there were no incidents of girls vomiting. Your Principal thinks there is a correlation, so he wanted you to put on a mask to improve the health condition. Not your health condition but the other students’ health condition!

Dear Lai Ma
My wife and I enjoy outdoor sex at our farm. My wife would stand by the pond and I would stand by the cucumber patch. Then we would run naked at each other. But the visibility has dropped, and we miss each other in the haze, and end up don’t know where. Lately I have been falling into the pond a lot and also have to pry the cucumbers from my wife. Some salesmen have been coming to my farm to sell a new brand of filter mask, very expensive one. Only 100 dollar, and got free ball point pen summore. They say their filter masks can make the haze like got not haze one. Should I buy?

Dear Farmer
Expensive does not mean good. There is no such mask that can make the haze like got no haze one. All this is only bullshit marketing talk. Made by unscrupulous bo liao salespeople trying to take advantage of the situation. What I suggest you do is to go to a pharmacy and buy their best face filter mask. It will be good and cheap. But don’t expect it to solve the visibility problem, so no more running towards each other until visibility improves. But you can try any sexual position you like outdoors and still enjoy yourselves. Of course you will have to use some logic a bit to know what can work and what cannot work. Once you have a mask on, do not attempt the sixty-nine position. Sure cannot work one! Use your brain. Not your tongue!

Dear Lai Ma – I want become nude blogger

This article was first blogged on June 20th 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

The SPG nude blogger issue has attracted a lot of attention from potential copycats. Noting that the blogger, who put up her naked picture for the purpose of art, has a readership of 3000 daily, a lot of female nude blogger wannabes are writing to the 5Star paper for professional advice.

In the interest of the blogging community, Ms Lai Ma, our 5Star columnist and formerly a karaoke lounge singer, will give her expert advice on the concept of nude blogging and art. Those who wish to seek out her professional advice must send in a nude picture of themselves. This service is for female bloggers only. Please note that any naked pictures sent in will remain the personal property of the owner of the 5Star.


Dear Lai Ma
I want to become nude blogger. I heard that a sarong party girl nude blogger has 3000 site visitors a day. So I did some statistical analysis. If 10% of them are ang mohs, then I will have 300 ang moh friends potentially. And if 20% of them are rich and handsome, I will have 60 rich and handsome ang moh boyfriends. Wah piang eh!
Dollar Mau

Dear Dollar Mau
Statistics don't work like that. Not say I say one, but I am damn expert in statistical analysis. Last time when I was a karaoke lounge singer, I just look at a group of humsup men, and my brain can work out how many per cent I can korek for tips. Based on my experience, I can tell you how the statistics will work out.
Of the 3000 readers, half are women. Of the remaining 1500, one third is underaged, and one third is old and senile. So now you only have 500. Of that, 80% can talk with one kind ang moh slang, but are acherly hor, not real ang moh one. The bluff ang moh you don't want, rite? So now you have 100 remaining, out of which 50 % are married and 20% are poor, which you also don't want, rite? That leaves only 30. Of that, 20 will not be interested in you. Because they are interested only in simple simple women who don't know how to write out a full sentence.
But luckily, still got 10 remaining. Out of that, 9 are damn argly. The tenth one is probably a gay who went to your website by mistake. If you want to become a sarong party girl, you must be prepared to work hard. First, keep your hair long long, use Rejoice shampoo like in TV commercial, then go to a hotel and sit at the bar. Then wait for a humsup ang moh to offer you a drink. After that you pretend to be drunk. Forget the nude blogging idea. There are no shortcuts.

Dear Lai Ma
My blog got no prospeck. Two years already and I orso not many readers. Sometimes 3, sometimes only 2. Like nobody want to read me. How can? I blog with branded computer and optical mouse you know. And summore my message got suffocating stuff that interesting to peepur all the time without thinking deep deep like well. Using latest technology I get from Imbi Plaza I blog with cutting edge for future understanding. Orso I use powderful English like even President Bush kenot use with his wife. But still nobody come and read. Waste my time only. So I think got no prospeck, better become nude blogger while my figure still fit fit. Then can get 3000 readers. What chu think?
Si Sua Sia

Dear Si Sua Sia
Thank you for sending me your nude pictures. You are indeed a beautiful girl. But people come to a blog to read articles that are well written. Not for naked pictures. Even a nude blogger must be able to express her ideas in a sophisticated manner. We are talking about blogging, not porn. Frankly, from your letter, it is very difficult to understand the rubbish that you write. You write one kind like that, sure lah, nobody want to come and read. I suggest that you enrol in a language class first and learn how to write properly, like me. You don't want people to come just to download your pictures without listening to your fancy ideas, right? Every blogger wants people to read their ideas. There are some exceptions of course, like the notorious underground blogger, Viewtru. That one is full of inane bullshit. And also he doesn't care if nobody come and read his blog. That's because he eat full already and got nothing to do.

Dear Lai Ma
I am a female artist. I would like to experiment with nude blogging for the sake of art. But local culture and sensitivities are a pain to deal with. Would you be so kind as to look at my nude picture and give me a critical review as to its aesthetic appeal?
Gloria Loong

Dear Gloria
Don’t lah, pose with your legs so wide open like that! I showed your picture to my colleague Dick Tomatoski, and he said that you have a few white hairs. You may want to invest in some hair colouring. I can recommend a few good brands. What you are doing is definitely not art. Not porn also. Dick said that one is speleology, or the study of caves. I whacked him for you already.

Dear Lai Ma
I am an old sarong party girl. Already 39 years old but still unattached. I have been going to hotels and sitting alone at the bar for years but no humsup gweilo has offered to buy me a drink yet. So now I think that I want to try the nude blogging idea. Here is a picture of myself naked. I want the picture to have a bit of class. Like arty farty kind. Do you think that I am showing too much skin?
Dunlop Goodyear

Dear Ms Dunlop Goodyear
After I saw your naked photo, I feel your pain. Then I showed your photo to my talkcock editor. He also feels your pain. I know because he started vomiting nonstop. I had to quickly cover your picture or else he may vomit until he become lifeless. After that, all the reporters who hated the talkcock editor wanted a copy of your picture.
Frankly, you look less arty than farty. If you want my advice, I think you must first try liposuction. Please sign up for 10 sessions. No, better make it 20. Then you must remove the “I love Brad Pitt” tattoos from your forearms. And from your butt also. After that you have to go for plastic surgery. This type of thing cannot save money one. As a woman, I wish you the best of luck.
Make sure you go to a reputable plastic surgeon. And not to one of those backstreet bo liao plastic surgeons behind Jalan Muka Celup. Otherwise if the operation cockup, you may end up looking not woman, not man, not animal. Like Michael Jackson.

Dear Lai Ma
I am very handsome. Also a very good blogger. I heard that one female blogger put up a naked picture of herself because of art. If she can do it, I also can do it. I very arty mah. So I took a naked picture of myself with a camera-phone. Then I use Adobe Photoshop to resize it and digitally smooth it out a bit until perfect. I then printed it out and showed it to my art lecturer. He told me to burn it immediately. Why like that? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu Lan
This category is for female bloggers only. You female meh? Ni na beh…..every time I tell you not to write to me, you still write to me. Summore send me your stupid naked picture. But my talkcock editor said that we are the 5Star and we must not discriminate against people who send in stupid naked pictures. What an idiot. I'll wait until he's having lunch, then I show him the picture of Ms Dunlop Goodyear again.
So okay, listen properly. Art is about balance, form and proportion. I looked at your naked picture and I know that you don’t understand the concept. My advice to you is to pay serious attention to your art lessons. And not ponteng class all the time. Also must use Adobe Photoshop in the proper manner, not simply use anyhow. Wa lau are really too much. This is the first time I have seen anybody digitally alter the size of his dick until it's taller than a building.

Dear Lai Ma and the Tsunami Trauma

This article was first blogged on January 20th 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

Few people are unaffected emotionally by the effects of the tsunami for the past few weeks. I am still trying to go back to a normal life.

You know that things haven't yet fully gone back to normal when the Dear Lai Ma column is shorter than usual. Still, I have to make an attempt to strive for normalcy somehow.

But Ms Lai Ma, bless her, being made of sterner stuff, is keeping up her normal professional spirited front, and helping people to come to terms with the tsunami trauma. Of course, she was a former karaoke lounge singer before she became a 5Star columnist, so maybe her colourful background helped.


Dear Lai Ma
I think I got tsunami trauma. Every where I go, people keep asking me to donate to the tsunami victims. I don’t want to donate, so I run and hide. But people still found me. Then I hide again. But again people found me. I am running out of hiding places. The whole affair is making me traumatic. If this goes on, I may have to seek psychiatric help. How do I deal with this trauma?
Ker Doo Koot

Dear Ker Doo Koot
Why you so kedukut until like dat? Donate a bit won’t die wan mah. You go hide hide here and hide hide there and in the end have to see psychiatrist… know psychiatrist charge how much or not? The fees are so high that some people prefer to become psycho rather than to pay the hospital charges. That was what happened to my talkcock editor. If you don’t want any more trauma, put your hand in your pocket and take out your wallet. Don’t need to donate very much. Just any amount you are comfortable with. After that, you won’t have to hide, and you won’t have any more tsunami trauma.

Dear Lai Ma
I think I got tsunami trauma. Actually I had no problem at all during the school holidays. I even had a fantastic time in Europe during the tsunami. But I noticed that my trauma started when school started. Maybe it was a delayed reaction. It is bearable most of the time but can get especially bad when the teacher gives out homework. Can you write a letter to my principal to excuse me from school for one year until I get over this tsunami trauma?
Mau Pon Teng

Dear Mau Pon Teng
Wah lau eh! You come back from a holiday in Europe and you can get tsunami trauma! Ho But no need to wait one year for your trauma to go away. Nowadays we have modern methods to cure this type of affliction. It works especially well for schoolboys. We call it the Remedy On The Ass Nicely , or R.O.T.A.N. It’s highly effective when applied nicely! Not say I say one. Schoolboys have been known to hand up their homework on time after getting this remedy. I will write a letter to your principal and recommend that you get immediate treatment.

Dear Lai Ma
I took my old underwear to donate at the Collection Centre for tsunami victims, and the very fierce lady in charge don’t want to accept my underwear. Said it got holes and not properly washed. Why so fussy? Only got three holes mah…..still can wear, wut. And what for to wash? Whenever I use underwear, I don’t even have to wash. I just flip the underwear inside out and I can wear it for another day. And the next day, I just flip it back again. That way can wear for many weeks mah…..….. But the ackshot lady simply kao peh kao bu and then looked at me one kind. Make me get tsunami trauma only. Why got people like dat? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu lan
Will you please stop fucking up this world? Ni nah beh. You know how much money it costs to deliver your stupid underwear or not? First it must be packed and put on a plane to Medan. Very expensive. Then after that it has to catch another plane to Bandar Aceh. Again, expensive. And finally, must get a helicopter to transport it to the refugee camp. Highly expensive. Three air journeys to transport a stupid underwear with three holes to starving people. That is a lot of money per hole. For that kind of expense, we may as well send things that people can use….such as food and medicine. Wah piang ......., I don’t understand how you can walk around in unwashed underwear. Water very expensive issit? And why are you always writing to me? If you want any advice in the future, please write to our one-star competitor. We are a five star paper and so we can’t entertain idiots all the time.

Dear Lai Ma on 'Sex in Kancil'

This article was first blogged on August 5th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

The recent hoo-ha over a couple having sex inside a Kancil has spilled over to the 5Star. Many readers have written in to asked for our expert advice.

Our 5Star columnist, Ms Lai Ma(formerly a karaoke lounge singer), is more of a 'Mercedes type' rather than a 'Kancil type'. Nevertheless, she will try to answer your questions as best as she can. And we wish to remind you that the 5Star is 5 times better than that lousy dipshit one-Star competitor.

5Star logo

Dear Lai Ma
Every time I and my girlfriend make out in a Kancil, the car will start rocking up and down. This motion attracts the attention of passing cops who then come and park their motorcycle in front of the car. Is there a way to prevent the Kancil from rocking up and down? I have already changed the absorbers, tyres and even the cushion covers, but nothing works. I hope you don't mind my asking you this very technical question.
Nuclear Scientist

Dear Nuclear Scientist
This is a very technical problem and needs very specialized knowledge to solve. I know that my departmental office boy makes out with his girlfriend in a Kancil in the car park at night. He uses a car jack to first jack up the side of the car a bit. When the weight of the car rests on four wheels and one jack, it will not rock very much. Don't be afraid to ask us technical questions. We, at the 5Star, are all very technical people.

Dear Lai Ma
I have made out with guys in both Mercedes and Kancils. I find that I am able to achieve better orgasms inside a Kancil. Does that mean that Kancil drivers are better lovers than Mercedes drivers?
Beh Pai Seh

Dear Beh Pai Seh
Kancil drivers are not better lovers. The reason why you have been getting better orgasms in a Kancil is because the car is very cramped inside, which gave you a much tighter feeling. The tighter the better mah......

Dear Lai Ma
My boyfriend just bought a new Kancil and I find that there is not enough space in the back seat for proper lovemaking. My legs would stick out of the left window and his legs stick out of the right window. Do you think we should modify the car?
Miss Contort

Dear Miss Contort
Your legs.....left window....his legs......right window. Oh...I understand now!
Please do not, I repeat, do not attempt the "sixty-nine" position inside any car. Get a hotel room instead.

Dear Lai Ma
We read so much about people having sex in a Kancil. My girlfriend and I decided to try it. So yesterday she went down on me in the front seat. But I find that the Kancil is really cramped, and her head keeps blocking me from reaching the gear shift. Is this normal?
First Timer

Dear First Timer
You want to reach the gear shift, for what?!!! You are awesome !!!
But I think that in future, before you and your girlfriend try oral sex, you should stop the car first.

Dear Lai Ma
I hear everybody talking about having sex with kancil nowadays, like it is the hottest thing to do. I orso want. So I go to the jungle to see if I can catch a female kancil. But I catch nothing. Because I think everybody caught all the kancil already. Never leave some for me. Why like dat? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
You are a pervert. Also retarded. Very. People have sex in Kancil, not with kancil. You understand the difference or not, idiot? Ni Na Beh. I don't want to answer this type of sick questions any more. And how many times must I tell you not to write to me?
But my talkcock editor said that we are a 5 star paper and we should not discriminate against perverts. He said that dirty perverts need love too. What a moron. But okay, if you want to make love to Kancil, go right ahead. Just stick your dick into the exhaust pipe, and have fun. And tell me which Kancil you are using. Because I want to come and start the engine.

Dear Lai Ma and the STPM failures

This article was first blogged on June 4th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

Today's posting is mostly about students who failed all STPM examination subjects and have to make some tough decisions on their future careers.

The mainstream media had given much publicity to the 128 straight A students who experienced problems in getting places to study medicine in the local universities. But what about the miserable failures? There is no media publicity of any sort regarding their fate. They are humans as well, aren't they? (Note: Only their parents are allowed to say that they aren't.) If you cut them, do they not bleed? If you fail them, do they not cry? If you scold them, do they not say, "Fark you"?

But not to worry. The 5Star is here! In the name of service to all segments of society, the nation's best newspaper has devoted a column to cater to the aspirations of the goof-offs and lazy bums who did badly in the STPM, and who are now unable to get a place in the university. Our 5Star columnist, Ms Lai Ma, former karaoke lounge singer(very famous one, hooiyoh) is here to answer questions from the affected students.

5Star logo

Dear Lai Ma
I failed in all my STPM subjects. I blame no one but myself. I was always skipping classes. The whole school called me the "ponteng king". The teachers, prefects, gardeners, jagas, office peons and canteen staff would often see me loitering in the corridors and they would try to capture me. But I was always too fast for them, and easily evaded capture. Now that I've failed every subject, I do not know what to do. Don't ask me to repeat STPM again because I will surely die.

Dear Pontengarajah
We at the 5Star feel your pain. We feel your sorrow. We feel like kicking you in the butt for pontenging class. I think you have a problem with authority. But you also have the necessary skills to evade capture. The most logical career choice for you is to become a VCD seller. Easy job. But need to run sometimes. However, my talkcock editor tells me that we should not advise people to do things that are not right. So listen carefully. Selling is right. Running also right. But getting caught is not right.

Dear Lai Ma
My dream in life is to become a crony. But I failed all my subjects in STPM. I now have no opportunity to go to the university to study how to become a crony. My life is over. My friends tell me that I should just kill myself. Should I listen to them?
Wang Busat

Dear Wang Busat
Oi........what kind of friends you have? And summore you call them "friends"?
Not being able to get into the university is no reason to kill yourself. Besides, which university can teach you how to be a crony? If you want to be a crony, you must first learn how to bodek gahmen officials. The best place to learn is at the golf course. Take up a job as a caddy in a golf course. Then observe how businessmen bodek civil servants as they play golf. It is not as easy as you think. Businessmen must try not to win the game. The only way to do so is to purposely keep hitting the ball into the water. This is the way, mah. Every crony knows this by heart. Then only can get projects. Outside the golf course, you can see boys selling lots of golf balls fished out from the ponds. Why are so many people losing balls? So many people bodeking, that's why. After two or three years at the golf course, you should learn enough to become a bodek expert. After that, you can easily become a crony. Once you become a successful crony, you can go and to tell your present friends to go fark themselves.

Dear Lai Ma
All the universities rejected my application for entry. I can't understand why. I sent them a certificate that stated very clearly that my CGPA was 6.5. I know that all the other applicants have CGPA of less than 4.0. There is no good reason why the universities don't want to accept me. Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu lan

Dear Tu lan
Ni na beh.......where got people obtain CGPA 6.5 one? Closed eyes also I know that you printed the certificate yourself! Wa lau eh, bullshit also don't know how to bullshit properly. I ought to come over and whack your thick head. But my talkcock editor said that we are a five star paper, and I must give you good advice. I told him to go fly kite. If everybody print their own certificates, then what for conduct examinations anymore? My advice to you is to stop printing nonsense. If you still want to further your studies, you can go and apply to get into the Lame Cock Wank Institute. They are always looking for creative students. After they finished laughing at your creative CGPA of 6.5, I am sure that they will accept you.

Dear Lai Ma
I want to become duck. My STPM results got many 'A's but I not so like to go university. People say university graduates earn small money. I want have big big money. And fast. I so the very handsome and energetic. Supple orso. You think I can be good duck or not?
Pelvic Elric

Dear Pelvic
What kind of broken English are you talking? The proper word to use is "gigolo", not "duck". To be a good gigolo you must have very polished and refined language skills. Rich lonely women don't just want action. They're lonely, not stupid. They want intelligent and stimulating conversation also. You talk one kind like that, how to get good business? I advise you to enroll in a university and study a proper course, like Mass Communications. And after you graduate, you should be able to speak like James Bond. Then you can introduce yourself in a sophisticated manner, like saying,
"My name is Elric....Pelvic Elric. How do you do? And how you want to do?"
When meeting prospective clients, you must show off your degree. Then only can command high price. Like that, mah!

Dear Lai Ma on Valentine Day dinner

This article was first blogged on Feb 13th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

There is an ugly rumour going around that Ms Lai Ma of the 5Star is not as romantic as Ms Thelma of the Sunday Star newspaper. I assure you that this rumour has no truth whatsoever. The 5Star has five times more stars than the lousy one-star competitor. And, Ms Lai Ma has 5 times more boyfriends than Thelma. I hope that you know your mathematics. This means that the advice from the "Dear Lai Ma" is 5 times better than the advice from the "Dear Thelma" column. Please don't try to compare us to that lowly one-star trashy publication again.

In today's edition of the 5Star, the "Dear Lai Ma" column deals with questions concerning the Valentine Day dinner. Ms Lai Ma, a former karaoke lounge singer, now our 5Star columnist, is the foremost expert in romance in this country. And I repeat, she has five times more boyfriends then her one-star competitor.


Dear Lai Ma
My boyfriend suggests that for Valentine Day dinner, we go out and eat durians. Is this romantic or not?
Sek Lau Lin

Dear Lau Lin
Your boyfriend is not romantic lah. Wah lau durians...and after that want to kiss you in between durian burps. Who can tahan? On a scale of 1 to 10, his romantic rating is a zero.

Dear Lai Ma
My boyfriend suggests that we go and eat roti canai for Valentine Day dinner. I know that restaurants are very expensive on Valentine Day, but I want a candlelight dinner and roti canai is so el cheapo. Do you think he is a cheapskate?
Kira Lui

Dear Kira
Never mind does not have to be expensive. Roti Canai also okay mah. If you want a candlelight dinner, you can always bring your own candle to the mamak shop. The candle can help keep away the flies also. Your boyfriend is very careful with money. Good or not, I don't know. But wait....if he makes you pay for the roti canai, then he definitely is a cheapskate!

Dear Lai Ma
My male colleague asked me out for a Valentine Day dinner and is taking me to eat oysters. Hooisay man....I si beh song, leh. I know that oysters are very expensive. Should I be very flattered?
Tai Pau

Dear Tai Pau
Oysters are not only very expensive, they make men very horny also. That is why my boyfriends all try to invite me for oysters every night. If the guy treats you to oysters, it means that he expects some action with you at the end of the evening. He let you si beh song now because he wants to si beh song later. The question you should ask is not whether you should be very flattered......but whether you would be very flattened.

Dear Lai Ma
I am so very handsome. I like to look at myself in the mirror because every time I look, I see only perfection. I expect beautiful girls to queue up to book me for Valentine Day dinner, and so I went and bought a dozen condoms first. But so far, the only girl who has asked me out is damn ugly know, the type that looks like the backside of a cow. And some more, she expects me to pay for the dinner! How can? I am just too handsome for her. Why can't beautiful supermodels ask me out instead?
Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
How many times must I tell you that the world is fucked up because people like you fucked it up? I read your dumbass letter and I wanted to puke. Ni nao beh ai bin. You think you are God's greatest gift to all women, izzit? If you like the mirror so much, why don't you take the mirror out for your Valentine Day dinner?
Lucky for you, my talkcock editor said that we are a 5-star paper and I should not give you any ridiculous advice. So okay can do the following. Since you don't want to go out with ugly girls, you can always go out for Valentine dinner alone. And also since you like the mirror so much, you can always come home after dinner to hump the mirror. If you plan to give the mirror kau kau then you must remember to use protection. Make sure that you put on your one dozen condoms ALL at once. This is for your dicky's protection.....against broken glass.

Dear Lai Ma
I asked my boyfriend what he wants to eat for Valentine Day dinner, and he said that he wants to eat me. Is this romantic?
Allota bush

Dear Allota Bush
You are so lucky! Malaysian men normally do not like to eat the woman. They say oral sex strains their tongues and the bush tickles their noses. They give all sorts of stupid excuses. But they like the woman to eat them. And some more, they want us women to swallow. You tell me where got fair? Don't ask whether your boyfriend is romantic or not....just count your good fortune. You know, hor, it is very difficult to get a macho man to become a carpet muncher at night. Sometimes, usually just before your pubic hair land on the bed, you may hear him make a sound like "Brrrrpppt...ptui!". Well, don't worry about it. This is a good sign that he is making a lot of effort just to please you. On a scale of 1 to 10, that would be a 20.

Dear Lai Ma on Angpows

This article was first blogged on January 19th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

The Chinese New Year is just around the corner, and angpow season is upon us again. For those who have forgotten(yeah, right!), angpows are red packets that are traditionally given out during the Chinese New Year. The best angpows are those that contain money(as if you mercenaries need reminding)! This will be the Year of the Monkey(as if you mercenaries want to know!).

The 5Star, the nation's most highly regarded newspaper, wishes you a fruitful angpow collecting trip. The "Dear Lai Ma" column this week deals with questions concerning angpows. Ms Lai Ma, a former karaoke lounge singer, now our 5Star columnist, will show you how to handle some delicate situations.


Dear Lai Ma
Ever since I was young, my grandfather has always given me an angpow for Chinese New Year. Last year I married a widow who has a grown up daughter. Two months later, my grandfather, who was a widower, married the daughter. So now, my grandfather is also my son-in-law. How do I calculate the current seniority status to determine who should receive angpow from whom?

Dear Confused
No need to be so confused lah. This one is acherly very simpur. Since both of you are already married, both of you are not entitled to angpows.

Dear Lai Ma
I received some blank angpow envelopes from RHB bank and Telekom. They are so teruk looking! The RHB one is not even red. The Telekom one has two white strips running along the side, and white is a mourning colour. You would think that after so many years of celebrating Chinese New Year in Malaysia, those idiots would know how to supply decent angpow envelopes to their loyal customers! Since the envelopes are not auspicious, I cannot use them. Yet I do not want to waste. What should I do?
Frustrated Malaysian

Dear Frustrated Malaysian
I feel your pain, because I also got some angpow envelopes from RHB and Telekom. I also dare not give them out because it will not be proper! But I can recycle them and then sell together with old newspapers. Maybe I should write to the two companies to thank those shitheads for an extra source of income! But since you do not want to waste, I will suggest a different approach. Use those angpow envelopes if you like, but tell people that this is the Year of the Monkey, and therefore these angpow envelopes have been specially designed by monkeys. Very auspicious!

The following question was received via SMS.

Dear Lai Ma
My nephew's PITA and cheapsk8. Has HUB. ATM working but want angpow. Gv or not? Hppy yr of monk 2 u!
See Bae Sian

Dear Bae Sian
I have a very big problem in understanding your SMS message. Why do you write everything in short form? And please don't wish me a happy year of the Monk! Monks are often celibate. This is the year of the monkey and I have many admirers who like to monkey with me! And I have to monkey back, otherwise they may think I am not responsive. My talkcock editor said that maybe you want to know where to find cheap pita bread since the ATM machine is working. I dunno how he can think like that! Maybe that is why none of the girls in my office want to go out and monkey with him!

Dear Lai Ma
I am 18 years old and my sister is only 10 years old. Last year, my sister collected 200 ringgit in angpow from our relatives wherelse I only collected 100 ringgit. How come my relatives gave me so little? Not even enough for me to go Hat Yai to song song one time. How come the world so fucked up? What should I do to increase my angpow collection?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
Na beh! You're only 18 years old and you want to go to Hat Yai for song song! You're not ashamed of yourself, izzit? If I remember correctly, last time you also wrote to me and complained about the world. So now I give you the same answer again; the world is fucked up because people like you fucked it up. Wa piang!! People give you angpow out of generosity and you still complain that it's not enough! Somebody ought to fucking whack some cow sense into your coconut head.
But my talkcock editor say that I have to answer you in a logictimate manner because we are a 5 star paper, and ranked 4 stars above the competition. So okay lah, I give you a most logictimate answer. Your sister received more because virgins get more! If you want to increase your angpow collection, then you must become a virgin again.
Hahahahahahahaha........I mean, too bad!!!

Dear Lai Ma on National Service

This article was first blogged on January 5th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

Ever since the 5Star(the peeper's paper) became the most respected newspaper in Malaysia, there has been the inevitable comparison with the Star(the people's paper). But honestly, dear readers, there is no comparison. We are a 5 star paper and they are a one star paper, as the names imply. The "Dear Lai Ma" column of the 5Star is not, I repeat, is not a copycat version of the "Dear Thelma" column of the Star. In some ways both columns are similar in the look and feel. The huge difference is; we serve up pure unadulterated street smart bullshit without pretensions, whereas our competition try to pass off worthless crap as advice. That's why we are a 5 star paper, see? And we publish for free too!

The "Dear Lai Ma" column this week deals with questions concerning the National Service. Ms Lai Ma, a former karaoke lounge singer, now our 5Star columnist, will offer you expert street smart advice on any concerns you may have on the NS.


Dear Lai Ma
I come from a small kampung of only 20 people. I have never been out of my kampung and am not wise in the ways of the world. As I shall be attending the National Service soon with a lot of city strangers, is there anything important that I should be aware of ?
Katak bin Tempurong

Dear Katak,
Amboi.....never been out of your kampung? Why so teruk? People from the city are not the same as kampung people. They sometimes do a lot of nonsense. When you join the NS, please remember this piece of advice; should you drop the soap while bathing in camp, don't ever bend down to pick it up.

Dear Lai Ma
I have a son who is going for NS soon. He has led a very sheltered life and has never been anywhere without me. Everywhere he goes, I follow, and I control all his activities. But I am told that I cannot follow him into NS camp. I want to make sure his needs are met. What should I pack that would be most useful for him?
Tai Ma Mee

Dear Ma Mee, cannot keep following your son everywhere! He is grown-up already and should do things by himself. Mou kau want him to become pondan isit? The minute he is in NS camp and no more under your control, he will go wild. This is for sure, as he is tasting freedom for the first time. Be a good mother.....pack a few boxes of condoms for him. That will be most useful in case he gets lucky.

Dear Lai Ma
I have just got out of prison after serving 10 years for rioting and gangland activities. I want to turn over a new leaf and serve society. So I hope to become a volunteer instructor for NS. However, I am afraid that I will get rejected because of my background. What do you suggest?
Chow Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng
It is good that you want to turn over a new leaf. New leaf always better than old leaf. If you want to become a volunteer instructor, you must conduct yourself well during the interview. When I want to impress the interviewer, I usually wear a tight miniskirt, and no bra. But I do not think this will work for you. Never mind lah. When you are at the interview, don't say that your past was connected with rioting.....just say that you have first-hand experience in hostile situations. And don't say that you were involved in gangland activities...just say that you have been active in, uh, team events. Also don't say that you have been under the eye of prison wardens for the past ten years....just say that for the past years you have been in daily contact with important government officials. I wish you the best of luck in the interview.

Dear Lai Ma
I don't want to go for NS but I am selected to go. So suay.....for three months cannot see my girlfriends. Buay tahan laaahhh. I know that students studying in private colleges with semesters that overlapped with NS training period are allowed to defer their participation in the NS. And I prefer to defer. But I did very badly during my SPM and cannot pass a single subject. I only handed in blank paper. My forecast result from the school also forecasted that I fail all subjects(I also handed in blank paper for school exams....coincidence lah). I looked at 20 private colleges already to look for courses that will allow me to defer the NS. But they don't want to take students who fail everything in SPM school forecast results. They want so many subject credits. Why the world so fucked up? What should I do?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
The world is fucked up because people like you fucked it up. Na beh...SPM so fucking easy and you cannot pass even one paper! Buay pai seh ah? During my time, hor, I also can pass two papers. Obviously you did not study hard and now you want to waste your parents' money by going to private college. Some more dare to ask for my advice. Ni nao hiah. I ought to come over and whack your fucking head. But my talkcock editor said that you asked a logictimate question and I must give you a logictimate answer. So okay lah....this is what you have to do. There is one private institute, the Lame Cock Wank institute, that conducts a diploma course without requiring any passes or credits. As long as you have two energetic hands, you can apply. The course is called the Diploma in One Handed Surfing for Mature Adults. Acherly, hor, it is what you do with the other hand that is more important. Even a fucking moron like you should be able to pass this diploma. The semester sessions overlap with NS training period, so you can apply for NS deferment. Work that thing hard and don't you dare flunk this course. Otherwise I'll come over and yank that fucking thing off.

Dear Lai Ma – Inaugural Episode

This article was first blogged on Dec 14th in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

In today's issue, our 5Star columnist and former karaoke lounge singer, Ms Lai Ma, will answer all your questions on the topic of giving Christmas presents.

Dear Lai Ma
Christmas is approaching and I need to give my boyfriend a Christmas present. But my budget is only 5 ringgit. What do you suggest?

Dear Julie
Don't be so cheapskate lah. 5 ringgit where can buy anything nowadays. Go and borrow 20 ringgit from your boyfriend. So now you have 25 ringgit. Go and buy him a 6 ringgit present. The remaining 19 riggit, buy something nice for yourself. That way you will still feel good even after buying him a cheap present! Just because you are a cheapskate doesn't mean you have to think like one.

Dear Lai Ma
I have this boss who is very nasty. He has tormented us for 3 years. My office colleagues are planning to pack a dead rat in a box to give him as a Christmas present. I do not think this is a good idea. What do you think?

Dear Fiona
Of course not good idea lah? Go and whack those idiots for me. Nah meh.....he tormented you for 3 years and you give him one dead rat......where got fair? You should put in 3 dead rats.

Dear Lai Ma
There is this girl who wants to give me a Christmas present. But I am not a Christian. Should I take or not?
Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng ask this type of stoopid question for what? Yau mo kau chor ah......this type of thing, take first and think later. This is Malaysian culture. It is always better for others to give and for us to receive. Next time I don't want to entertain this type of stoopid question anymore. If I were the girl, ah....I whack your head instead.

Dear Lai Ma
Since I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, I have this box of unused condoms lying in my apartment. I want to give it to my male colleague as a Christmas present. But I don't want him to get the wrong idea. What shall I do?

Dear Jennifer
Wrong idea is good! If he gets the wrong idea, you won't be alone for Christmas. But since you don't want him to get the wrong idea, never mind lah. Just tell your colleague that you are giving him gloves for Christmas. Put the condoms into an unmarked empty box. Then mark the box with the following words,
Trust me, he won't know the difference.