Dear Lai Ma on 'Sex in Kancil'

This article was first blogged on August 5th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

The recent hoo-ha over a couple having sex inside a Kancil has spilled over to the 5Star. Many readers have written in to asked for our expert advice.

Our 5Star columnist, Ms Lai Ma(formerly a karaoke lounge singer), is more of a 'Mercedes type' rather than a 'Kancil type'. Nevertheless, she will try to answer your questions as best as she can. And we wish to remind you that the 5Star is 5 times better than that lousy dipshit one-Star competitor.



Dear Lai Ma
Every time I and my girlfriend make out in a Kancil, the car will start rocking up and down. This motion attracts the attention of passing cops who then come and park their motorcycle in front of the car. Is there a way to prevent the Kancil from rocking up and down? I have already changed the absorbers, tyres and even the cushion covers, but nothing works. I hope you don't mind my asking you this very technical question.
Nuclear Scientist

Dear Nuclear Scientist
This is a very technical problem and needs very specialized knowledge to solve. I know that my departmental office boy makes out with his girlfriend in a Kancil in the car park at night. He uses a car jack to first jack up the side of the car a bit. When the weight of the car rests on four wheels and one jack, it will not rock very much. Don't be afraid to ask us technical questions. We, at the 5Star, are all very technical people.


Dear Lai Ma
I have made out with guys in both Mercedes and Kancils. I find that I am able to achieve better orgasms inside a Kancil. Does that mean that Kancil drivers are better lovers than Mercedes drivers?
Beh Pai Seh

Dear Beh Pai Seh
Kancil drivers are not better lovers. The reason why you have been getting better orgasms in a Kancil is because the car is very cramped inside, which gave you a much tighter feeling. The tighter the better mah......


Dear Lai Ma
My boyfriend just bought a new Kancil and I find that there is not enough space in the back seat for proper lovemaking. My legs would stick out of the left window and his legs stick out of the right window. Do you think we should modify the car?
Miss Contort

Dear Miss Contort
Your legs.....left window....his legs......right window. Oh...I understand now!
Please do not, I repeat, do not attempt the "sixty-nine" position inside any car. Get a hotel room instead.


Dear Lai Ma
We read so much about people having sex in a Kancil. My girlfriend and I decided to try it. So yesterday she went down on me in the front seat. But I find that the Kancil is really cramped, and her head keeps blocking me from reaching the gear shift. Is this normal?
First Timer

Dear First Timer
You want to reach the gear shift, for what? Oh....my.....gawd......!!! You are awesome !!!
But I think that in future, before you and your girlfriend try oral sex, you should stop the car first.


Dear Lai Ma
I hear everybody talking about having sex with kancil nowadays, like it is the hottest thing to do. I orso want. So I go to the jungle to see if I can catch a female kancil. But I catch nothing. Because I think everybody caught all the kancil already. Never leave some for me. Why like dat? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
You are a pervert. Also retarded. Very. People have sex in Kancil, not with kancil. You understand the difference or not, idiot? Ni Na Beh. I don't want to answer this type of sick questions any more. And how many times must I tell you not to write to me?
But my talkcock editor said that we are a 5 star paper and we should not discriminate against perverts. He said that dirty perverts need love too. What a moron. But okay, if you want to make love to Kancil, go right ahead. Just stick your dick into the exhaust pipe, and have fun. And tell me which Kancil you are using. Because I want to come and start the engine.