Dear Lai Ma on Valentine Day dinner

This article was first blogged on Feb 13th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

There is an ugly rumour going around that Ms Lai Ma of the 5Star is not as romantic as Ms Thelma of the Sunday Star newspaper. I assure you that this rumour has no truth whatsoever. The 5Star has five times more stars than the lousy one-star competitor. And, Ms Lai Ma has 5 times more boyfriends than Thelma. I hope that you know your mathematics. This means that the advice from the "Dear Lai Ma" is 5 times better than the advice from the "Dear Thelma" column. Please don't try to compare us to that lowly one-star trashy publication again.

In today's edition of the 5Star, the "Dear Lai Ma" column deals with questions concerning the Valentine Day dinner. Ms Lai Ma, a former karaoke lounge singer, now our 5Star columnist, is the foremost expert in romance in this country. And I repeat, she has five times more boyfriends then her one-star competitor.

5Star

Dear Lai Ma
My boyfriend suggests that for Valentine Day dinner, we go out and eat durians. Is this romantic or not?
Sek Lau Lin

Dear Lau Lin
Your boyfriend is not romantic lah. Wah lau eh....eat durians...and after that want to kiss you in between durian burps. Who can tahan? On a scale of 1 to 10, his romantic rating is a zero.



Dear Lai Ma
My boyfriend suggests that we go and eat roti canai for Valentine Day dinner. I know that restaurants are very expensive on Valentine Day, but I want a candlelight dinner and roti canai is so el cheapo. Do you think he is a cheapskate?
Kira Lui

Dear Kira
Never mind lah.....love does not have to be expensive. Roti Canai also okay mah. If you want a candlelight dinner, you can always bring your own candle to the mamak shop. The candle can help keep away the flies also. Your boyfriend is very careful with money. Good or not, I don't know. But wait....if he makes you pay for the roti canai, then he definitely is a cheapskate!



Dear Lai Ma
My male colleague asked me out for a Valentine Day dinner and is taking me to eat oysters. Hooisay man....I si beh song, leh. I know that oysters are very expensive. Should I be very flattered?
Tai Pau

Dear Tai Pau
Oysters are not only very expensive, they make men very horny also. That is why my boyfriends all try to invite me for oysters every night. If the guy treats you to oysters, it means that he expects some action with you at the end of the evening. He let you si beh song now because he wants to si beh song later. The question you should ask is not whether you should be very flattered......but whether you would be very flattened.



Dear Lai Ma
I am so very handsome. I like to look at myself in the mirror because every time I look, I see only perfection. I expect beautiful girls to queue up to book me for Valentine Day dinner, and so I went and bought a dozen condoms first. But so far, the only girl who has asked me out is damn ugly one....you know, the type that looks like the backside of a cow. And some more, she expects me to pay for the dinner! How can? I am just too handsome for her. Why can't beautiful supermodels ask me out instead?
Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
How many times must I tell you that the world is fucked up because people like you fucked it up? I read your dumbass letter and I wanted to puke. Ni nao hiah....si beh ai bin. You think you are God's greatest gift to all women, izzit? If you like the mirror so much, why don't you take the mirror out for your Valentine Day dinner?
Lucky for you, my talkcock editor said that we are a 5-star paper and I should not give you any ridiculous advice. So okay lah.....you can do the following. Since you don't want to go out with ugly girls, you can always go out for Valentine dinner alone. And also since you like the mirror so much, you can always come home after dinner to hump the mirror. If you plan to give the mirror kau kau then you must remember to use protection. Make sure that you put on your one dozen condoms ALL at once. This is for your dicky's protection.....against broken glass.



Dear Lai Ma
I asked my boyfriend what he wants to eat for Valentine Day dinner, and he said that he wants to eat me. Is this romantic?
Allota bush

Dear Allota Bush
You are so lucky! Malaysian men normally do not like to eat the woman. They say oral sex strains their tongues and the bush tickles their noses. They give all sorts of stupid excuses. But they like the woman to eat them. And some more, they want us women to swallow. You tell me where got fair? Don't ask whether your boyfriend is romantic or not....just count your good fortune. You know, hor, it is very difficult to get a macho man to become a carpet muncher at night. Sometimes, usually just before your pubic hair land on the bed, you may hear him make a sound like "Brrrrpppt...ptui!". Well, don't worry about it. This is a good sign that he is making a lot of effort just to please you. On a scale of 1 to 10, that would be a 20.