Dear Lai Ma on Angpows

This article was first blogged on January 19th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

The Chinese New Year is just around the corner, and angpow season is upon us again. For those who have forgotten(yeah, right!), angpows are red packets that are traditionally given out during the Chinese New Year. The best angpows are those that contain money(as if you mercenaries need reminding)! This will be the Year of the Monkey(as if you mercenaries want to know!).

The 5Star, the nation's most highly regarded newspaper, wishes you a fruitful angpow collecting trip. The "Dear Lai Ma" column this week deals with questions concerning angpows. Ms Lai Ma, a former karaoke lounge singer, now our 5Star columnist, will show you how to handle some delicate situations.

5Star

Dear Lai Ma
Ever since I was young, my grandfather has always given me an angpow for Chinese New Year. Last year I married a widow who has a grown up daughter. Two months later, my grandfather, who was a widower, married the daughter. So now, my grandfather is also my son-in-law. How do I calculate the current seniority status to determine who should receive angpow from whom?
Confused

Dear Confused
No need to be so confused lah. This one is acherly very simpur. Since both of you are already married, both of you are not entitled to angpows.



Dear Lai Ma
I received some blank angpow envelopes from RHB bank and Telekom. They are so teruk looking! The RHB one is not even red. The Telekom one has two white strips running along the side, and white is a mourning colour. You would think that after so many years of celebrating Chinese New Year in Malaysia, those idiots would know how to supply decent angpow envelopes to their loyal customers! Since the envelopes are not auspicious, I cannot use them. Yet I do not want to waste. What should I do?
Frustrated Malaysian

Dear Frustrated Malaysian
I feel your pain, because I also got some angpow envelopes from RHB and Telekom. I also dare not give them out because it will not be proper! But I can recycle them and then sell together with old newspapers. Maybe I should write to the two companies to thank those shitheads for an extra source of income! But since you do not want to waste, I will suggest a different approach. Use those angpow envelopes if you like, but tell people that this is the Year of the Monkey, and therefore these angpow envelopes have been specially designed by monkeys. Very auspicious!




The following question was received via SMS.

Dear Lai Ma
My nephew's PITA and cheapsk8. Has HUB. ATM working but want angpow. Gv or not? Hppy yr of monk 2 u!
See Bae Sian

Dear Bae Sian
I have a very big problem in understanding your SMS message. Why do you write everything in short form? And please don't wish me a happy year of the Monk! Monks are often celibate. This is the year of the monkey and I have many admirers who like to monkey with me! And I have to monkey back, otherwise they may think I am not responsive. My talkcock editor said that maybe you want to know where to find cheap pita bread since the ATM machine is working. I dunno how he can think like that! Maybe that is why none of the girls in my office want to go out and monkey with him!



Dear Lai Ma
I am 18 years old and my sister is only 10 years old. Last year, my sister collected 200 ringgit in angpow from our relatives wherelse I only collected 100 ringgit. How come my relatives gave me so little? Not even enough for me to go Hat Yai to song song one time. How come the world so fucked up? What should I do to increase my angpow collection?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
Na beh! You're only 18 years old and you want to go to Hat Yai for song song! You're not ashamed of yourself, izzit? If I remember correctly, last time you also wrote to me and complained about the world. So now I give you the same answer again; the world is fucked up because people like you fucked it up. Wa piang!! People give you angpow out of generosity and you still complain that it's not enough! Somebody ought to fucking whack some cow sense into your coconut head.
But my talkcock editor say that I have to answer you in a logictimate manner because we are a 5 star paper, and ranked 4 stars above the competition. So okay lah, I give you a most logictimate answer. Your sister received more because virgins get more! If you want to increase your angpow collection, then you must become a virgin again.
Hahahahahahahaha........I mean, too bad!!!