Dear Lai Ma - Advice on filter masks

This article was first blogged on August 13th 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

The serious haze problems have got a lot of people wearing filter masks like got no tomorrow. Everyday, the newspapers keep trying to give dubious advice on what to do and what not to do. But everybody knows that at the 5Star paper, we put out professionally proven scientific advice that is 5 times better than the dubious advice of our lousy one-star dipshit competitor.

And another thing……we are free of charge!

Miss Lai Ma, formerly a karaoke lounge singer and potential Malaysian Idol chief judge, will be giving her professional advice regarding the use of filter masks in this edition.

5Star

Dear Lai Ma
Our school teacher has asked us to put on filter masks. He said that the air got smog particles everywhere because of the haze. But we don’t want to wear. We think it is not necessary because we are only children. Got particles also never mind one. We got small lungs only mah. We don’t breathe in as much air as the adults.
Pupils of Sungei Lembu Primary School.

Dear Pupils
You cannot think like that one. Because you have small lungs, they will fill up with smog particles faster than adult lungs. Then your mother will have to take you to the hospital so that the nurse can remove the smog particles. That one very painful one. The nurses will poke a vacuum cleaner hose down your throat and into your lungs to suck out all the smog particles. Sometimes, when they are not careful, they suck out your liver also. So wear your filter masks and don’t play play.



Dear Lai Ma
I am the best English teacher at the Sungei Lembu Primary School. Because of the haze situation very bad, and some more cannot breathing easy, I want to wear a filter mask. But when I teach the English through the mask, my voice go out muffled and ruffled, like that. I am afraid all the pupils will not understand what I saying. Please advise me good good
Ingurish Tork

Dear Ingurish Tork
During the haze, it is important that you wear a filter mask and teach at the same time. Health is important. Don’t worry if the pupils do not understand you. Even if you take off the mask, they also will not understand you! If pupils can understand teachers, all the tuition centres will go bankrupt already. I have a share in a private tuition centre and therefore I must thank all the teachers. Please tell all your fellow teachers to keep the mask on at all times. You are all very important to the economy!



Dear Lai Ma
I smoke three packets of cigarettes a day. I have been trying to quit smoking without success. I follow the dubious advice given in the other newspapers, and they say to do this and to do that, but in the end their advice also useless. Lately, because of the haze, whenever my colleagues see me smoking, they scold me. As if the haze is my fault like that. I si beh fedup already…want to stop smoking, but cannot…..smoke, also cannot. Please tell me what to do.
Desperate

Dear Desperate
You are very wise in writing to me. If you want to stop smoking, this is what you should do. Wear a filter mask at all times. When you feel like having a smoke, remove your filter mask and inhale the smog. Then put your filter mask back on again. Your brain will think that you just smoked a cigarette. If you do this often enough, your brain will think you have smoked a few packets of cigarettes but actually you have not smoked. Do this every day and soon your body will lose the addiction to cigarettes. Wa lau eh. I should copyright this method!



Dear Lai Ma
I study at a private college. My Principal say that I should wear a filter mask in the campus everyday to improve the health condition. But I don’t want to wear a mask everyday. It does not make me look cool. I pay so much tuition fees to private education and I expect them to keep the haze away from me. I think you should investigate the college. They take my money already and some more dare to ask me to wear mask. Why like that? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu Lan
Actually, hor, I have no interest in investigating your problem. I am a columnist, not an investigative reporter. But my talkcock editor said that all 5Star columnists are also investigative columnists. Where got such thing one? But okay, I did some checking for you and I found out that there were a few cases of girls vomiting mysteriously on your campus. But each time you put on the filter mask, there were no incidents of girls vomiting. Your Principal thinks there is a correlation, so he wanted you to put on a mask to improve the health condition. Not your health condition but the other students’ health condition!



Dear Lai Ma
My wife and I enjoy outdoor sex at our farm. My wife would stand by the pond and I would stand by the cucumber patch. Then we would run naked at each other. But the visibility has dropped, and we miss each other in the haze, and end up don’t know where. Lately I have been falling into the pond a lot and also have to pry the cucumbers from my wife. Some salesmen have been coming to my farm to sell a new brand of filter mask, very expensive one. Only 100 dollar, and got free ball point pen summore. They say their filter masks can make the haze like got not haze one. Should I buy?
Farmer

Dear Farmer
Expensive does not mean good. There is no such mask that can make the haze like got no haze one. All this is only bullshit marketing talk. Made by unscrupulous bo liao salespeople trying to take advantage of the situation. What I suggest you do is to go to a pharmacy and buy their best face filter mask. It will be good and cheap. But don’t expect it to solve the visibility problem, so no more running towards each other until visibility improves. But you can try any sexual position you like outdoors and still enjoy yourselves. Of course you will have to use some logic a bit to know what can work and what cannot work. Once you have a mask on, do not attempt the sixty-nine position. Sure cannot work one! Use your brain. Not your tongue!