Dear Lai Ma – I want become nude blogger

This article was first blogged on June 20th 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

The SPG nude blogger issue has attracted a lot of attention from potential copycats. Noting that the blogger, who put up her naked picture for the purpose of art, has a readership of 3000 daily, a lot of female nude blogger wannabes are writing to the 5Star paper for professional advice.

In the interest of the blogging community, Ms Lai Ma, our 5Star columnist and formerly a karaoke lounge singer, will give her expert advice on the concept of nude blogging and art. Those who wish to seek out her professional advice must send in a nude picture of themselves. This service is for female bloggers only. Please note that any naked pictures sent in will remain the personal property of the owner of the 5Star.

5Star

Dear Lai Ma
I want to become nude blogger. I heard that a sarong party girl nude blogger has 3000 site visitors a day. So I did some statistical analysis. If 10% of them are ang mohs, then I will have 300 ang moh friends potentially. And if 20% of them are rich and handsome, I will have 60 rich and handsome ang moh boyfriends. Wah piang eh!
Dollar Mau

Dear Dollar Mau
Statistics don't work like that. Not say I say one, but I am damn expert in statistical analysis. Last time when I was a karaoke lounge singer, I just look at a group of humsup men, and my brain can work out how many per cent I can korek for tips. Based on my experience, I can tell you how the statistics will work out.
Of the 3000 readers, half are women. Of the remaining 1500, one third is underaged, and one third is old and senile. So now you only have 500. Of that, 80% can talk with one kind ang moh slang, but are acherly hor, not real ang moh one. The bluff ang moh you don't want, rite? So now you have 100 remaining, out of which 50 % are married and 20% are poor, which you also don't want, rite? That leaves only 30. Of that, 20 will not be interested in you. Because they are interested only in simple simple women who don't know how to write out a full sentence.
But luckily, still got 10 remaining. Out of that, 9 are damn argly. The tenth one is probably a gay who went to your website by mistake. If you want to become a sarong party girl, you must be prepared to work hard. First, keep your hair long long, use Rejoice shampoo like in TV commercial, then go to a hotel and sit at the bar. Then wait for a humsup ang moh to offer you a drink. After that you pretend to be drunk. Forget the nude blogging idea. There are no shortcuts.



Dear Lai Ma
My blog got no prospeck. Two years already and I orso not many readers. Sometimes 3, sometimes only 2. Like nobody want to read me. How can? I blog with branded computer and optical mouse you know. And summore my message got suffocating stuff that interesting to peepur all the time without thinking deep deep like well. Using latest technology I get from Imbi Plaza I blog with cutting edge for future understanding. Orso I use powderful English like even President Bush kenot use with his wife. But still nobody come and read. Waste my time only. So I think got no prospeck, better become nude blogger while my figure still fit fit. Then can get 3000 readers. What chu think?
Si Sua Sia


Dear Si Sua Sia
Thank you for sending me your nude pictures. You are indeed a beautiful girl. But people come to a blog to read articles that are well written. Not for naked pictures. Even a nude blogger must be able to express her ideas in a sophisticated manner. We are talking about blogging, not porn. Frankly, from your letter, it is very difficult to understand the rubbish that you write. You write one kind like that, sure lah, nobody want to come and read. I suggest that you enrol in a language class first and learn how to write properly, like me. You don't want people to come just to download your pictures without listening to your fancy ideas, right? Every blogger wants people to read their ideas. There are some exceptions of course, like the notorious underground blogger, Viewtru. That one is full of inane bullshit. And also he doesn't care if nobody come and read his blog. That's because he eat full already and got nothing to do.


Dear Lai Ma
I am a female artist. I would like to experiment with nude blogging for the sake of art. But local culture and sensitivities are a pain to deal with. Would you be so kind as to look at my nude picture and give me a critical review as to its aesthetic appeal?
Gloria Loong

Dear Gloria
Don’t lah, pose with your legs so wide open like that! I showed your picture to my colleague Dick Tomatoski, and he said that you have a few white hairs. You may want to invest in some hair colouring. I can recommend a few good brands. What you are doing is definitely not art. Not porn also. Dick said that one is speleology, or the study of caves. I whacked him for you already.


Dear Lai Ma
I am an old sarong party girl. Already 39 years old but still unattached. I have been going to hotels and sitting alone at the bar for years but no humsup gweilo has offered to buy me a drink yet. So now I think that I want to try the nude blogging idea. Here is a picture of myself naked. I want the picture to have a bit of class. Like arty farty kind. Do you think that I am showing too much skin?
Dunlop Goodyear

Dear Ms Dunlop Goodyear
After I saw your naked photo, I feel your pain. Then I showed your photo to my talkcock editor. He also feels your pain. I know because he started vomiting nonstop. I had to quickly cover your picture or else he may vomit until he become lifeless. After that, all the reporters who hated the talkcock editor wanted a copy of your picture.
Frankly, you look less arty than farty. If you want my advice, I think you must first try liposuction. Please sign up for 10 sessions. No, better make it 20. Then you must remove the “I love Brad Pitt” tattoos from your forearms. And from your butt also. After that you have to go for plastic surgery. This type of thing cannot save money one. As a woman, I wish you the best of luck.
Make sure you go to a reputable plastic surgeon. And not to one of those backstreet bo liao plastic surgeons behind Jalan Muka Celup. Otherwise if the operation cockup, you may end up looking not woman, not man, not animal. Like Michael Jackson.


Dear Lai Ma
I am very handsome. Also a very good blogger. I heard that one female blogger put up a naked picture of herself because of art. If she can do it, I also can do it. I very arty mah. So I took a naked picture of myself with a camera-phone. Then I use Adobe Photoshop to resize it and digitally smooth it out a bit until perfect. I then printed it out and showed it to my art lecturer. He told me to burn it immediately. Why like that? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu Lan
This category is for female bloggers only. You female meh? Ni na beh…..every time I tell you not to write to me, you still write to me. Summore send me your stupid naked picture. But my talkcock editor said that we are the 5Star and we must not discriminate against people who send in stupid naked pictures. What an idiot. I'll wait until he's having lunch, then I show him the picture of Ms Dunlop Goodyear again.
So okay, listen properly. Art is about balance, form and proportion. I looked at your naked picture and I know that you don’t understand the concept. My advice to you is to pay serious attention to your art lessons. And not ponteng class all the time. Also must use Adobe Photoshop in the proper manner, not simply use anyhow. Wa lau eh.......you are really too much. This is the first time I have seen anybody digitally alter the size of his dick until it's taller than a building.