Dear Lai Ma and the Tsunami Trauma

This article was first blogged on January 20th 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

Few people are unaffected emotionally by the effects of the tsunami for the past few weeks. I am still trying to go back to a normal life.

You know that things haven't yet fully gone back to normal when the Dear Lai Ma column is shorter than usual. Still, I have to make an attempt to strive for normalcy somehow.

But Ms Lai Ma, bless her, being made of sterner stuff, is keeping up her normal professional spirited front, and helping people to come to terms with the tsunami trauma. Of course, she was a former karaoke lounge singer before she became a 5Star columnist, so maybe her colourful background helped.

5Star

Dear Lai Ma
I think I got tsunami trauma. Every where I go, people keep asking me to donate to the tsunami victims. I don’t want to donate, so I run and hide. But people still found me. Then I hide again. But again people found me. I am running out of hiding places. The whole affair is making me traumatic. If this goes on, I may have to seek psychiatric help. How do I deal with this trauma?
Ker Doo Koot


Dear Ker Doo Koot
Why you so kedukut until like dat? Donate a bit won’t die wan mah. You go hide hide here and hide hide there and in the end have to see psychiatrist…....you know psychiatrist charge how much or not? The fees are so high that some people prefer to become psycho rather than to pay the hospital charges. That was what happened to my talkcock editor. If you don’t want any more trauma, put your hand in your pocket and take out your wallet. Don’t need to donate very much. Just any amount you are comfortable with. After that, you won’t have to hide, and you won’t have any more tsunami trauma.


Dear Lai Ma
I think I got tsunami trauma. Actually I had no problem at all during the school holidays. I even had a fantastic time in Europe during the tsunami. But I noticed that my trauma started when school started. Maybe it was a delayed reaction. It is bearable most of the time but can get especially bad when the teacher gives out homework. Can you write a letter to my principal to excuse me from school for one year until I get over this tsunami trauma?
Mau Pon Teng

Dear Mau Pon Teng
Wah lau eh! You come back from a holiday in Europe and you can get tsunami trauma! Ho say...man. But no need to wait one year for your trauma to go away. Nowadays we have modern methods to cure this type of affliction. It works especially well for schoolboys. We call it the Remedy On The Ass Nicely , or R.O.T.A.N. It’s highly effective when applied nicely! Not say I say one. Schoolboys have been known to hand up their homework on time after getting this remedy. I will write a letter to your principal and recommend that you get immediate treatment.


Dear Lai Ma
I took my old underwear to donate at the Collection Centre for tsunami victims, and the very fierce lady in charge don’t want to accept my underwear. Said it got holes and not properly washed. Why so fussy? Only got three holes mah…..still can wear, wut. And what for to wash? Whenever I use underwear, I don’t even have to wash. I just flip the underwear inside out and I can wear it for another day. And the next day, I just flip it back again. That way can wear for many weeks mah…..….. But the ackshot lady simply kao peh kao bu and then looked at me one kind. Make me get tsunami trauma only. Why got people like dat? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu lan
Will you please stop fucking up this world? Ni nah beh. You know how much money it costs to deliver your stupid underwear or not? First it must be packed and put on a plane to Medan. Very expensive. Then after that it has to catch another plane to Bandar Aceh. Again, expensive. And finally, must get a helicopter to transport it to the refugee camp. Highly expensive. Three air journeys to transport a stupid underwear with three holes to starving people. That is a lot of money per hole. For that kind of expense, we may as well send things that people can use….such as food and medicine. Wah piang ......., I don’t understand how you can walk around in unwashed underwear. Water very expensive issit? And why are you always writing to me? If you want any advice in the future, please write to our one-star competitor. We are a five star paper and so we can’t entertain idiots all the time.