Dear Lai Ma and the STPM failures

This article was first blogged on June 4th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

Today's posting is mostly about students who failed all STPM examination subjects and have to make some tough decisions on their future careers.

The mainstream media had given much publicity to the 128 straight A students who experienced problems in getting places to study medicine in the local universities. But what about the miserable failures? There is no media publicity of any sort regarding their fate. They are humans as well, aren't they? (Note: Only their parents are allowed to say that they aren't.) If you cut them, do they not bleed? If you fail them, do they not cry? If you scold them, do they not say, "Fark you"?

But not to worry. The 5Star is here! In the name of service to all segments of society, the nation's best newspaper has devoted a column to cater to the aspirations of the goof-offs and lazy bums who did badly in the STPM, and who are now unable to get a place in the university. Our 5Star columnist, Ms Lai Ma, former karaoke lounge singer(very famous one, hooiyoh) is here to answer questions from the affected students.



Dear Lai Ma
I failed in all my STPM subjects. I blame no one but myself. I was always skipping classes. The whole school called me the "ponteng king". The teachers, prefects, gardeners, jagas, office peons and canteen staff would often see me loitering in the corridors and they would try to capture me. But I was always too fast for them, and easily evaded capture. Now that I've failed every subject, I do not know what to do. Don't ask me to repeat STPM again because I will surely die.
Pontengarajah

Dear Pontengarajah
We at the 5Star feel your pain. We feel your sorrow. We feel like kicking you in the butt for pontenging class. I think you have a problem with authority. But you also have the necessary skills to evade capture. The most logical career choice for you is to become a VCD seller. Easy job. But need to run sometimes. However, my talkcock editor tells me that we should not advise people to do things that are not right. So listen carefully. Selling is right. Running also right. But getting caught is not right.



Dear Lai Ma
My dream in life is to become a crony. But I failed all my subjects in STPM. I now have no opportunity to go to the university to study how to become a crony. My life is over. My friends tell me that I should just kill myself. Should I listen to them?
Wang Busat

Dear Wang Busat
Oi........what kind of friends you have? And summore you call them "friends"?
Not being able to get into the university is no reason to kill yourself. Besides, which university can teach you how to be a crony? If you want to be a crony, you must first learn how to bodek gahmen officials. The best place to learn is at the golf course. Take up a job as a caddy in a golf course. Then observe how businessmen bodek civil servants as they play golf. It is not as easy as you think. Businessmen must try not to win the game. The only way to do so is to purposely keep hitting the ball into the water. This is the way, mah. Every crony knows this by heart. Then only can get projects. Outside the golf course, you can see boys selling lots of golf balls fished out from the ponds. Why are so many people losing balls? So many people bodeking, that's why. After two or three years at the golf course, you should learn enough to become a bodek expert. After that, you can easily become a crony. Once you become a successful crony, you can go and to tell your present friends to go fark themselves.



Dear Lai Ma
All the universities rejected my application for entry. I can't understand why. I sent them a certificate that stated very clearly that my CGPA was 6.5. I know that all the other applicants have CGPA of less than 4.0. There is no good reason why the universities don't want to accept me. Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu lan

Dear Tu lan
Ni na beh.......where got people obtain CGPA 6.5 one? Closed eyes also I know that you printed the certificate yourself! Wa lau eh, bullshit also don't know how to bullshit properly. I ought to come over and whack your thick head. But my talkcock editor said that we are a five star paper, and I must give you good advice. I told him to go fly kite. If everybody print their own certificates, then what for conduct examinations anymore? My advice to you is to stop printing nonsense. If you still want to further your studies, you can go and apply to get into the Lame Cock Wank Institute. They are always looking for creative students. After they finished laughing at your creative CGPA of 6.5, I am sure that they will accept you.



Dear Lai Ma
I want to become duck. My STPM results got many 'A's but I not so like to go university. People say university graduates earn small money. I want have big big money. And fast. I so the very handsome and energetic. Supple orso. You think I can be good duck or not?
Pelvic Elric

Dear Pelvic
What kind of broken English are you talking? The proper word to use is "gigolo", not "duck". To be a good gigolo you must have very polished and refined language skills. Rich lonely women don't just want action. They're lonely, not stupid. They want intelligent and stimulating conversation also. You talk one kind like that, how to get good business? I advise you to enroll in a university and study a proper course, like Mass Communications. And after you graduate, you should be able to speak like James Bond. Then you can introduce yourself in a sophisticated manner, like saying,
"My name is Elric....Pelvic Elric. How do you do? And how you want to do?"
When meeting prospective clients, you must show off your degree. Then only can command high price. Like that, mah!