Dear Lai Ma – How to predict a tsunami

I absolutely and resolutely refuse to live in fear of the tsunami. Sure, it can be badass dangerous, but so are roads. Every year, we have more than two hundred people dying on the roads in the balik kampung rush, but has that ever stop people from travelling home?

This month, despite the warning by famed Thai meteorologist, Dr Smith Dharmasaroja, that a tsunami is going to sweep down the straits of Melaka, I will be going to the seaside for a holiday. And I will be swimming nonchalantly in the sea! Semi-naked.

Look, fellas, nobody can predict with a certainty when a tsunami will happen. We can’t even be sure that it will occur within the next hundred years! If you are going to be so worried, then you may as well stop living and quit wasting precious oxygen for others. Even if a tsunami were to roll down from the expected quake epicenter of the Andaman and Nicobar islands, it will hit Phuket first and take hours to reach Pangkor or Melaka. By that time, the kind folks in Phuket would have given us enough warning to get out of the sea. It helps if you are staying at a big resort and they have people to do announcements to clear the beach. Find out first about their tsunami warning system.

If, however, you are staying at an el cheapo beach hut without phones and TV, then my friend, you will have to depend on other types of warning systems. My advice to you is to watch out for unusual behaviour of animals. Dogs are particularly good in sensing earthquakes.

Say that you got a problem and you don’t know shit about unusual animal behaviour.

Well, don’t worry, help is at hand!

The 5Star, being five times more knowledgeable in animal behaviour than our lousy dipshit one-star competitor, will attempt to answer your questions as to what constitutes tsunami-related behaviour in animals. Miss Lai Ma, formerly a karaoke lounge singer and currently our world-recognised animal behavioural expert, will helm the column.

5Star

Dear Lai Ma
If I see a dog up a coconut tree humping a coconut, is that a sign that a tsunami is approaching? Should I contact the Meteorological Department immediately?
Kua Bo

Dear Kua Bo
I don’t think that you can call it a sign that a tsunami is approaching. A dog cannot climb up a coconut tree. You should not contact the Meteorological Department, but instead, contact your optometrist immediately. What you saw was no dog but a horny monkey.



Dear Lai Ma
If my dog humps a chicken, would that be a sign that a tsunami is on the way? Do I contact the Meteorological Department immediately?
Dog owner

Dear Dog owner
The animal behaviour that you should be looking out for is that your dog may appear frightened, agitated, excited or disoriented before an earthquake. And it may howl for hours. Humping a chicken, although unusual, merely indicates that your dog’s hormones are rampaging loose in its furry little mind. Please do not contact the Meteorological Department. Instead, you should contact your veterinarian to make an appointment to get your dog neutered.



Dear Lai Ma
If I see a man humping a goat, would that constitute unusual animal behaviour? Should I check if the goat is frightened, agitated, excited or disoriented? And then do I report to the Meteorological Department?
Not a Clue

Dear Not a Clue
What you have described is gross indecent behaviour. No, I do not think that it is a sign that the tsunami is approaching. The correct department to report to, is not the Meteorological Department, but the R.S.P.C.A. If you have a camera with you, please take some pictures. I know of one inane blogger who is only too willing to post those pictures in his blog.



Dear Lai Ma
I think this tsunami thing is way overrated. The last time I experienced a tsunami, I found that it was a very raw and not to my liking. When I complained, the people laughed at me and displayed highly unusual animal behaviour. Why like that? Why the world so fucked up.
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu Lan
Na beh…..I refuse to answer any bo liao questions from bo liao people. But my talkcock editor said that we are a five star paper and we have a ruling that we do not discriminate against bo liao people. Kanineh. Don’t know what kind of stupid ruling is that. Okay, listen up. I advise you to contact the nearest Japanese school and enrol for language lessons. The word you should have used was “sashimi”, not “tsunami”. And another thing…..please don’t send me any more pictures of yourself in your underwear. Baka.